SERVING BREAKFAST THE RIGHT WAY

 

No, this post is in no way culinary related. 

The "breakfast" you will be learning to serve today is the heartbreak kind. The "I don't love you anymore" kind. The "eez NoT yOU, eez mE" kind. The "let's break up" kind. The "I can't do this anymore" kind. You get it right? Or should I go on? You don't? Okay let me put it this way: 

Breakfast (noun): ridiculous Nigerian slang that describes heartbreak from a breakup. 

Sentence example: Why do you look so sad? Did they serve you breakfast? 

Soooo, you get it now, right? Good! <if you don't, then I'm sorry, I've tried.>

As the gorgeous angel of light and all things soft that I am, with a heart full of kindness, I will be giving you a few simple steps to serve breakfast properly, yes you are welcome, show your gratitude by supporting my blog here: Blog support

 

STEP 1. Serve them actual breakfast first. 

Yep. Buy or make them food. If you are going to break omolomo's heart, it's only right that you fill their stomach first. It could be something light like bread and some spicy egg or it could be hot eba and efo, depending on your soon-to-be ex-partner's taste. Give them water too, or a drink, so that they will be full and the food will digest properly. They might hate you a little after, but at least for a few moments before then, their stomach will love you. 

STEP 2. Choose the appropriate mode of communication. 

A text message, a phone call, face-to-face, what is it going to be? People usually say that serving breakfast over the phone is rude and doing it face-to-face is a better option, but I don't think so. What if they get violent and knock out your teeth? Think carefully, weigh your options and go for whatever you think is the most appropriate mode of communication at the time. 

STEP 3a. Start with a story of the beginning. 

Did they not say that storytelling is a great tool? Well it is, even in serving breakfast. Tell them about how your life was all dark clouds and rainy skies until they came into your life and you grew to love them. Tell them that you learned a lot from them and you are grateful that even for a short time <even if it is ten years, say "short time">, they were a part of your life. 

STEP 3b. Interject the story with a big but. 

Something like this, "Emeka, loving you nourished my skin, cleared the air in my lungs, helped my bladder micturate. I was broken before, but after I found you, I found healing and I am grateful, BUUUUUUT....<let a tear roll down your face for effect and do a sniff>". Eheeen like that. 

STEP 3c. Tell them the reason why you are letting them go.

You are already a heartbreaker, have the decency to be honest about why IN THE KINDEST WAY POSSIBLE, you owe them that at least.

"...but I can't continue to be in a long distance relationship."

"...but I think we have grown to become different people."

"...but these days we argue too much and I am more sad than I am happy."

"...but I can't get over the fact that you cheated."

"...but I am getting attracted to someone else."

"...but I am tired of having to deal with your issues"

etc etc. 

STEP 3d. Say that you are sorry and listen to what they have to say. 

This is 2022. Don't say those over-used breakup lines o- "It's not you, it me" yen yen yen. Just say sorry and shut up for them to talk, and no, don't ask for friendship either. You are the one telling them that you no longer want them as your romantic partner, if anything, they should be the ones letting you know if they still want to be friends. 

3di. If they are cool, you can hug it out and go your separate ways. 

3dii. If they become violent,  shout for help and find how to escape. 

3diii. If they give a nasty come-back, like, "Were we even dating?" Or "I was thinking of how to get rid of you anyway" just thank your stars and be going.

 

3div. If they start crying and begging for a chance to work it out, it is your call o. I can't tell you what to do then.

*Don't forget to discuss how you both want to share the news of your break up to the relationship "in-laws". 

STEP 4. Go and seek spiritual protection.

Whether you believe it or not, your ex-partner just might not be appreciative of the breakfast you served and might want to curse you. Seek spiritual protection ehn, pray for your life intensely, oh and maybe change your passwords, key locks and everything else that might give them access to important things in your life because you don't want a crazy ex deleting your thesis or throwing out your furniture. Remember, craze no dey show for face. Pray that for the sake of the love you both shared they don't drag you on social media too. 

STEP 5. Get ready for your turn.

What goes around comes back around babyyyy. Wait for your karma, for someone else to serve you breakfast like you just did.

To be fair and realistic, it actually might not happen and the next romantic partner you have will turn out to own a soul that was made for yours. Life does not follow any pattern and nobody can tell with these things, but even though, just get ready, be prepared to chop the kind of breakfast you served too just in case life decides to follow the rules.

AUTHOR'S NOTE 

This post is a sham, take my advice at your own risk hehehehe. There is absolutely no right way to tell someone that used to be your romantic partner that you are no longer interested in loving them that way, but even if it hurts the same, there are at  kinder, more respectful ways.

Heartbreaks from break ups are absolutely devastating but aren't they better than sticking to a person with whom you are no longer compatible? A person that is no longer relevant to your life's journey, defective even or the other way round?

I am grateful to be a part of the indabosky geng, immune from "breakfast" in all its appearances, only willing and able to love the agape kind of love, hallelujah hallelujah. Y'all be safe and support my blog HERE so that my heart won't break my darlingzzz.

I hope you don't let fear of "breakfast" hold you back from being open to receiving the love you deserve wholesomely. I hope you find that love in people that are kind to you and inspire you to navigate through life in all the best ways you are capable of. I hope you are that kind of person as well. Thank you for reading this. I should shut up now. Toodles!