20 for 20

 

Every year, I make a birthday blogpost. I think I mostly write these things for myself. 

Reading them years later reminds me of the transience of life, how it is ever changing and always evolving. This is the most random one yet and I had fun writing this, a little too much fun maybe.

 Again, it is very very random and a bit too long? <but its my birthday so you have to read it, thanks andddd I hope you enjoy reading it>.

All my love xxx. 

i 

The most important thing I have learned in this past year is that good girl no dey pay <translation: You do yourself a disservice by being a good girl>.

I don't mean it the the way people say it when they are trying to justify keeping multiple romantic partners that will in turn serve as multiple sources of income and so, and so.

When I say good girl, I mean: the always-avoiding-conflict-to-avoid-getting-into-confrontations girl, the-always-first-to-apologise-girl, the-never-wanting wahala girl, the people pleaser girl that would rather say "It's fine" than express any negative emotion she feels because God forbid, wouldn't people think she is problematic?<you should get the gist by now>

The truth is that the feelings that you are shutting up and masking to keep up your "good" reputation will settle somewhere at the bottom of your chest, and keep piling up until they get to your throat and explode through your mouth, and the explosion could ruin many beautiful things —or maybe not.

Maybe they will pile up at the bottom of your chest and seep into your blood stream and into your soul and start to dim the light that your soul shines. Maybe it is you that gets ruined.

ii 

I have come to know that before all the other glorious things that my body is, it is first my body, MY body; Flesh and bones. A head, neck, torso, abdomen, pelvis, limbs, all belonging to me, to me, to me to love and to hold, in sickness and in health,  for richer, for richer <because, durh> till death do us part quite literally, and even in the glory of the things she is, <a sanctum, sanctified ground, a body of  holy water, an intergalactic miracle formed from fragments of fallen stars,a masterpiece that breathes> I am a guardian, a protector of this body, her king, chief priest, governor, dictator and it is MY sole responsibility to give permission to touch, taste, enter, worship as well as withhold such permission as I please and anyone who violates my authority over my body has no regard for the entirety of my being and should be dealt with accordingly. 

ii-i 

I have learned that crying is not enough. 

Especially not when there are people that are appalled by how well you understand that you own your body.

For those people, you don't crouch on the bathroom floor and cry. You don't kick your clothes in the corner and spit on them and blame them for the audacity of the violators. You don't blame yourself. 

If it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. Your reasons for giving or withholding consent to your body, whatever it may be is valid. You are not being childish or too stuck up. You are not the problem.

it is not you, it is them, it is not you, it is them. 

They are the problem. 

ii-b

Fight them. 

iii

The miracle you are looking for is all around you. Sometimes your eyes are so fixed on the bend on the road in the far distance waiting for something extraordinary to come racing down towards you that they don't see that the extraordinary thing already started building up around you, that there are angels without wings or halos wearing skin and cheering for you, that the wind carreses your face when she passes and whispers, "just a while now child". 

iv 

I've learned that the indabosky life is not for me, and I have to stop saying indabosky because lmao it is 2023? 

Life is too short and too unpredictable to be running away from experiencing a thing as beautiful as love <romantic love to be specific>.

I want to to keep all the love I've found and sew it to the centre of my palm and hold it for a long time, and love this person wholesomely. 

v 

I am turning older today, and in the same way, my parents are getting older. Sometimes I think that words are not enough to express my gratitude to them. In this past year they have been the pillars of my sanity. They have no idea how much their strength and resilience inspires me, the infectiousness of their joy, how they make me believe in myself and how their faith in God fortifies my almost always shaky one.

I don't think that I tell them enough how much of a privilege I think it is to be their daughter, to be loved by them, to bear their names.

It worries me that there is yet quite some time that has to pass before I am able to express this gratitude in extravagant ways, and as this time passes they will age even more. 

I hope they know that I think that they are awesome and I love them more than life itself.

vi

I want to take more pictures this year. This time I'm very serious. 

vii

I shared a room with the sweeeeeetest most amazing girls that have ever walked the surface of the Earth in the school year that just passed.

They have no idea how much of an answered prayer they were.  I am writing about my gorgeous angel girls; Aisha, Lizzy, Praise and Efa because it is my blog and I can write about anything I want hehehe.

Honourable mention, my sweeet sweeet girl Efa, that literally <I promise this is the last time I am using this word. I'm sorry it just fits really well, hehe> gave me the idea for this blogpost.

vii-i

I think that we are more prone to write about the people that have hurt us, rather than the ones that have been good to us as if those ones aren't spectacular enough <or maybe it is just a me problem and my Chi is full of spite, hehehe>. I think I want to expend all my energy appreciating and loving the people that add colour to my life. 

viii

I don't know what else to write about and this list is supposed to be up to 20. Aaaargh. 

ix

This is the first thing I'm writing in a long time. It makes me so happy. 

x

Don't do drugs guys. Don't even do it out of curiosity. Just don't. 

xi

I don't know what else to write again lmao 

xii

You guys. These days, kids that I meet ON THE ROAD greet me when I walk past them. Like full on "good morning ma" with a cute curtesy. It usually happens in the mornings and they are usually school children and it is always hilarious because in my head I'm like, "uhm babes, we are both on our way to school right now".

I wonder why they don't greet me in the evenings when I'm coming back from school/the hospital, because of how distraught I look maybe?

Anyway, I think I am fully in my aunty era now, hehehe. 

xiii

On the days when I feel really discouraged, I listen to Cynthia Erivo's "Stand Up". The song hits different when you have read Yaa Gyasi's  "Homegoing". 

Stand up, take my people with me... 

It is a song about Harriet Tubman's resolve to do anything to free her people, but the song asks me many questions.

"You are a mosaic of marvellous bloodlines, a descendant of people that have defied everything that was supposed to end them, people that have survived wars, disease outbreaks, famine, genocides, you are a product of survival. Where is that fighter spirit you are made of?"

Sometimes it works and I enter fighter mode, sometimes it doesn't and I just end up listening to the whole playlist the song is a part of. I'll add a link to the playlist below. You are welcome.

xiv

This blogpost is getting really long. If you are still reading this, I am automatically in love with you. Leave me a heart in the comments? 

xv

I love getting my nails done. It is very therapeutic. 

xv-i

Another new age resolution is to shout "abeg stop" at the salon anytime the hair stylist or nail technician or whoever it is starts doing anything I don't like. 

It is difficult but I am an aunty now. Will they beat me? 

xvi

I want to write about the love I found, but I am in my mysterious girl era. So, no. 

I'll tell you about the love that found me though. The love of Jesus, hallelujah hallelujah. 

xvii

Stand Up when you fall and forgive yourself.

Stand Up when you fall and forgive the person you were when you fell.

Stand Up when you fall, stand up. 

xviii

Having a support system? People you can be accountable to? People that are genuinely rooting for you? Highly recommended. 

xix

Amala is God's blessing to me. It makes me so happy. 

xx

Nigeria is in a nasty state right now. People are hungry and angry and tired. Someone said that this is a terrible time to celebrate anything. I'm not sure, maybe?<meanwhile get your PVCs my fellow Nigerians and VOTE WITH YOUR HEAD luvs>

I plan to ignore the world around me that is in chaos today and I plan to have an amazing birthday anyway. 

<lmao. Most likely having lectures from 8am till 6pm *criez> 

Happy birthday to me. 

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All my loveeee. Xxxx