THE 'GET TO KNOW ME' NOBODY ASKED FOR.

 

The crowd is doing another round of applause.

Excel struts in with her red loubittons kissing the ground with her every step

She goes, strut strut strut, hips swaying, hair bouncing, skirt riding up to show glazed thighs.

Excel takes her seat on the center of the stage and Ellen DeGeneres gives her a warm hug over the table...or gives her a warm hug before she sits...or is it Jimmy Fallon that uses a desk? Or whatever...

<lmao. I don't own any Louies YET, I don't own hips enough to sway and the Ellen in this interview is a young woman in her mid-forties that is a figment of my celebrity-life crazed imagination, hehehe>

Ellen: You are welcome to my show!

Excel: Thank you so much. It is a pleasure to be here.

Ellen: So, you are quite a private person, the fans barely know anything about you.

Excel: My life is really boring. There isn't much that would interest them to know, hehehe
*wipes loose strand of double drawn peruvian hair away from her eyes*

Ellen: On the contrary, there is a lot that they would like to know.

*Crowd cheers, Excel smiles demurely*

Ellen: With me on this desk are a compilation of 15 most asked questions from your fans. Are you willing and ready to answer them?

Excel: I will try my best. *Does a small sexy giggle*

*Crowd cheers again*

Ellen: For the first question, you have mentioned before on your blog that you have 7 names. What are those names?


Excel: oh, my full name is Agochukwu Excel Nmesomachi Urennaya Chibuchi Ihuoma Nwanyieze.

Ellen: Those are a lot of names. Do you use all of them?

Excel: Yeah. Different people call me by different names, but Excel is my official name.

Ellen: Interesting. This next question is a bit too direct and even I want to hear the answer. Excel, how old are you?

*crowd squeals*

Excel: Not old at all. *laughs*

Ellen: We need an age.

Excel: 20 plus or minus a few digits.

Ellen: Still not an age but let's move on. You really are young!

Excel: Told you so.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Next question, why did you start blogging?

Excel: There is no impressive back story. I started because I could.

*crowd boos*

Excel: For real, I used to solely create content on Instagram, and then one day, my anxiety whispered to me, "what would happen if Instagram disappears one day and immediately after there is an apocalypse and aliens invade the remains of the Earth, you mean there would be no trace of your creative genius on the internet?", so I decided to create an alternative online portfolio so that in the post apocalypse era, my writings might be in extraterrestrial museums.

Ellen: Alright then, the next question is a fun one. What are your strange addictions?

Excel: Just one for now. Twerking. Oh and  singing "Louie, Prada, Gucci " courtesy of Jay Nedaj. I will not explain myself.

Ellen: Well okay! Next question, the 5th one, You have written extensively on wanting happiness. what is happiness to you?

Excel: Peace of mind. Contentment. That's all.

Ellen: Lovely. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Excel: Thank you Ellen.

Ellen: Your fans want to know, are you in college? Are you an aspirant? Dropped out already?

*crowd laughs*

Excel: I am a student in one of the Federal universities in Nigeria.

Ellen: Amazing! How has the experience been?

Excel: is that the seventh question?

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Nope.

Excel: Then I'll pass. I don't think it is something I would be able to be honest about on national television without fear of getting into hot soup.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Alright, alright. I understand.

Excel: You don't. You can't, but okay.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Next question, what is your current relationship status?

Excel: Married to Jesus, pleeeeaseee.

Ellen: So in essence, you are manless?

Excel: You don't have to put it like that. *flips double drawn peruvian hair*

Ellen: We accept you as you are singleton. For some reason, your fans will like to know, can you cook?

Excel: I can make a few dishes deserving of chef's kisses now and then.

Ellen: Next question, what fictional character would you like to be, and why?

Excel: This is a bit difficult. I think I'd like to be a lot of characters but the first and only one that comes to mind right now is Obinze's mother in Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's "Americannah". I love how she was able to effectively communicate matters concerning reproductive health to Ifemelu when she noticed that she was getting intimate with her son; without making it out to be any more or any less than what it really was. I am very passionate about reproductive health and I hope that now and in future, I would be able to give out accurate and helpful information about it to other people.

Ellen: Interesting. Next question, when is your birthday?

Excel: 6th of February.

Ellen: Oh so you are an aquarius !

Excel: Yeah I heard, but  I'm really not into astrology and all of that stuff.

Ellen: Oh I see. The eleventh question, are you a rebel or do you follow rules?

Excel: I no too sabi rebel...and I hate it. I wish I were more gutsy.

Ellen: You actually give off rebel vibes. It's hard to believe this.

Excel: Suit yourself.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Next, what lessons have you learned the hard way?

Excel: There are quite a lot. The first and most important one that I learned the hard way is that my mother is almost ALWAYS right. I think it's one of the reasons why I am not much of a rebel. Every time I disobey my mother or force her to give me permission to do something she already said "no" to, the consequences are a lot. Secondly, I learned the importance of proper communication the hard way after ruining a few beautiful relationships.

Ellen: Speaking of relationships, our next question is quite juicy. You write a lot about love and romance. Have you been in love before and how did you know it was love.

Excel: Do you expect me to answer this question honestly?

Ellen: Aren't you the one that is big on honesty?

Excel: Wo, me I don't know. I know that love is not as strong a word as we make it seem, however, I really don't know if I've fallen in love before. If I have, I'm very sure that I stood up from the fall quickly enough.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Alright then, next and second to last question. How many books have you read this year?

Excel: That is like asking how many soft drinks I've had this year. Or how many times I have gone to eat at 50-50 restaurant. I've read 'Normal people',  'The hairdresser of Harare', 'Proffesional trouble maker', 'how to get over a boy', 'what a time to be alone', 'A thousand boy kisses', 'the art of seduction', 'rules of work', 'his only wife', 'excuse me while I cry ugly', 'LOVE IN COLOUR', 'Idiot', 'Good girls don't get rich', 'The personal MBA', 'Gay girl, good God'...do school books count?

Ellen: That's enough, please shut up now.

Excel: Rude Ellen, ruuuuuude.

*crowd laughs*

Ellen: Final question. Do you plan to publish an actual book one day?

Excel: I think that I do. I am particularly interested in Christian literature, although it is not something I have been able to remotely achieve yet.
Christian literature in terms of prose, I'm not too sure about poetry, is lacking. I grew up reading Francine Rivers and Karen Kingsbury and they felt like a whole other world of Christianity. The experiences of most of the characters, while they could be given Nigerian interpretations are a bit inaccessible to the average Nigerian.
I hope that as I grow in my walk with God, He gives me the privilege to be one of those people that write Christ-centered stories, the ones that the average Nigerian can relate to.

Ellen: That is beautiful. Thank you for being on our show. It has been a beautiful night. You can get out now!

*crowd cheers*

*Excel stands, adjusts her skirt and starts to wave goodbye at the audience and cameras*

*show ends*

Author's note: I had fun writing this! Tell me in the comments, did Ellen leave out any of your questions?


Meanwhileeeee, *drum roll please*

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